Dating in general is hard these days. But trying to date while dealing with a chronic illness or a major health issue well…that’s nearly dating suicide. Before all my chronic issues happened like my chronic back pain I battle daily, and my brain tumor I’ve been battling for almost a year now…oh and we found another brain tumor too…but I’ll tell you about that one later. So before all this crappy health shit happened to me I was married. Married for 10 years in a not so happy marriage. I won’t go into the details of my marriage let’s just say it was bad. But my ex and I have come to a place of peace and forgiveness and we are good now. He’s the best ex-husband I’ve ever had! So after being married that long the last time I was single was 1999 in my 20s. I was healthy as a horse back then with no real issues other than an occasional cold or sinus issues. I was prime time meat for the dating pool. Dating was very different back then, before technology ruined it. I have a theory that technology has taken out the romance out of dating. The part where the guy actually tries to woo the girl and sweep her off her feet. Why you ask? Well now technology has made it so easy for a guy to order up a chick to his door kind of like pizza via online dating apps. They don’t have to woo anymore when they can order a girl of the night with pizza and beer. It’s sad actually. So newly single I was plunged into the world of dating with technology. I’ll tell you when you are 40 and dating you don’t have much tolerance for crap. And there’s a lot of crap going on in the dating pool. Like I said earlier dating is hard enough but add major illnesses to the mix and it’s a disaster.
When I got diagnosed with my brain tumor last May I told myself I wasn’t going to actively try to date. I was taking myself off the market and going to focus on me and healing. But then there was one guy I dated for a few months last summer that I met through online dating. Despite my promise to myself to not date he was so persistent. We had been chatting for a while when I first got sick before I knew I had a tumor. So we had time to learn about each other and he really had me thinking he was a great guy. I want to mention I gave this guy full disclosure about my health issues. So he had a way out if he was not up for the challenge of dating a girl with major issues about to undergo brain surgery. But he said he could handle it and he wanted to be there for me during this hard time. So finally I gave him a chance. It took a lot of effort and energy when I was so sick with the tumor to do all the stuff girls do to get ready for dates. But I felt like this guy could have real lasting potential so I did. He seemed so nice and the first month seemed like a fairy tale romance. He even met my parents and had them convinced he was one of the good guys. But I quickly found out that my douchedar (douche detecting radar) needed an upgrade. It wasn’t working and it didn’t detect the douche through the acting he was doing. During our dating he kept making me feel bad about being sick. Yes, you heard that right he made me feel bad about having a brain tumor. He made comments about how he didn’t think he could deal with someone who had health issues because he was healthy and never had been sick. He told me I was weak. He said he wanted someone healthy and strong, who worked out all the time. I was unable to work out back then I was barely able to walk most days due to all the issues my tumor caused. So being a gym rat wasn’t in my immediate future. It’s not like I was some troll, I was actually in good shape for being a brain tumor patient and had genetics on my side. But I never thought that mattered to him because he had told me how amazing I was, beautiful, kind, loving, big heart, selfless, strong willed and all these amazing things you hope your partner sees in you. But those good qualities weren’t enough, he also wanted a physically perfect Barbie. He would rather have the perfect outside than the perfect inside. Yes, this guy was a douche nozzle. He hurt me. And come to find out during all the times we were dating when I was too sick to see him, he was seeing others. Yep… again douche nozzle. So I made sure when I dumped him that I told him that I might not be at the gym lifting, but I was stronger than him. I battle things most people could never handle every single day and I keep fighting. I keep getting back up after getting knocked down. I will not let my illness define me. I am more than some weak girl with brain tumors and a bad back that he saw. I am a woman full of life with so much to offer. And I made sure to tell him he would never get to have all that again. So that ended quite painfully for me. But I had to focus on my brain surgery and recovery and I didn’t have time to cry over a douche nozzle.
But what I want to make clear here is that this is a guy who told me he thought I was his soul mate. That he was falling in love with me and wanted to start a life with me. I truly believed it cause he did act like that at first. And no I don’t think it was to get laid. He was still acting this way even after that happened. Most guys if they are just looking for a bang will end the act after that. I’m not sure what happened with this guy. Or why he became such a jerk to a good person as he called me. So I really did take a break from dating after this. I’m still in my post op recovery and dating free. I’ve been able to take a look at my past and see the lessons and grow during this journey of self-discovery and healing. See I know I’m a good person. I truly believe that there is someone out there for me who will love me just as much as I love them. Who will be there for me during my times of need as I will for him. But after a conversation I had yesterday with a guy it left me wondering…
Yesterday on Facebook a friend of mine made a post about her online dating first date and how the guy didn’t properly represent himself like he did in his pictures. We’ve all had that happen. Attraction is important to most of us. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk about it if you aren’t feeling it. This guy on my friend’s post was saying things like go to the bathroom and ditch him. I quickly spoke up saying that would be rude and there is no reason for that and she should just be kind and say she’s not feeling a connection. So this guy who was encouraging the rude method started debating this with me. Ok well I’m always up for a debate, a friendly one. After many exchanges and me sticking to my guns about why taking the high road and being kind is always the right way, he was still on his mean method. He said to me you must be single. I told him yes proudly and I’m going to stay that way till someone amazing comes along who will treat me with the same respect I treat them. That concept seems easy enough, respect. He later told me I was too nice and guys can’t deal with that, nice girls. STOP hold up a second here!!! See I have a lot of guy friends and I am always the shoulder they come whine and cry on when their relationships go wrong. So I’ve consoled many a grown man sad over a bitch that did him wrong. I’ve heard the words come out of their mouths “why can’t I find a nice girl who is pretty?” Of course I’m always thinking well hello, right here. But I don’t date my friends…they are like brothers. Also I’ve had that experience with a couple very close ones and it never worked out and it strained the friendship a bit, but we later recovered it. So I would never put my friendships at stake unless I really felt he was the one. Because I value my friends. Anyway, this guy was telling me that since I’m a nice girl I’m going to be forever single. Because men just can’t handle a nice girl. These words made me rewind my brain to all my past boyfriends and dating history. I thought about it, hard! And I have to say he was kind of right. In most of the cases I was way too nice to the guy at first. I’m sitting here thinking but they always say they are tired of bitches using them and hurting them. They just want a sweet, loving, kind nice girl who is also pretty. Again…Hello I’m right here! So I’m stumped. Men say they want one thing, but their actions say otherwise. It does seem to me that the girls who play games, and do the bitch routine wind up getting the guy. They get the ring, the dream wedding and the fairytale future. At least it seems that way. But I have a big problem with the bitch method. See the thing is, I’m a nice person. I’m nice to everyone, until you give me a reason not to be. I treat everyone with respect and kindness. I don’t understand people who play games. It’s not in my nature to use people or play mind games with them. I try to leave people better than I found them. So being anything but who I am seems like it’s fake. I’m just not going to change who I am to find a guy. Because I know that eventually the right guy will see me, all of me and appreciate all that I am. I don’t want to get the guy by pretending to be something I’m not. I have integrity. Plus, I really don’t think upping my bitch game is going to give me the kind of guy I want. But I’m still left with the question roaming around in my head “Do nice girls finish last?”
I don’t have the answer to that question yet. For now, I’m still focusing on my recovery from brain surgery and don’t have time for all the dating drama. But I hope to find love one day and a partner for life. And this conversation with this guy makes me wonder if I’m forever doomed to be single because I’m nice. I’ve certainly had enough people in my life tell me I’m pretty, beautiful, hot, sexy and all the things we love to hear about our looks. So I’m pretty sure I’m not a troll, and I’m nice too! Oh and I’m a bad ass cook! I’ve
been told I’m smart and funny. I’ve been told by many a guy friend and even past exes that I’m the total package. Then what is wrong? Why am I not a keeper? The only answer I can come up with is I haven’t met the one yet. The one that sees me all of me, my soul. The one who sees all my imperfections and sees past them to all the beauty inside and knows I’m perfectly imperfect for him. So I’m not going to let this whole nice girls finish last crap get to me. I’m going to continue to be the good person that I know I am and treat others with kindness and respect. Because more than anything I believe in the law of attraction, what you put out in the world will come back to you. So here goes, my positive loving vibes going out to the universe. I love me and I show love and kindness to others. One day my prince will come and it will be amazing. Till then I’m going to be who I am and know all good things come in time. One day I will prove that nice girls don’t finish last, we just don’t settle for the first thing that comes around.